Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
