so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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