never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
