Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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