His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
