Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
