she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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