I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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