I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
