the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
