Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
