i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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