Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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