you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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