You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
