i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
