I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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