When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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