I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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