shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
