I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
