new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
