I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
