note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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