just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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