nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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