Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
