I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I think I just sharted jello shots
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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