Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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