I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i think i have two assholes
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Sorry my hands just texted you
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
