Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
