hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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