You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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