I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
