I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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