Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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