I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
