Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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