My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
