I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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