I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize