i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
