i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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