Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
