dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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