If i could tip my vagina, i would.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
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