I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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