The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
