you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
