it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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