Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
