Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
