I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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