the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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