im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
