FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I think my moral compass just broke
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