He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Randomize