apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Girls should come with a carfax report
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
