Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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