mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
