Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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