there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
