SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
