oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Randomize
