Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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