It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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