The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
