im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Bring me that man meat
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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