My friends, they love my intelligence
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
