The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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