you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
