so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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