Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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