His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
