The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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